How To Kill A Tree Fast!

I wish I could tell a different ridiculous story of how a perfectly beautiful flowering Pear tree died, but I can't. No, sadly enough,  I'm required to tell the truth about how this beautiful tall leafy Pyrus Calleryana lost her life. Which by the way makes me look like a complete idiot!

So prepare yourself when I tell you I killed this lovely shade bearing, oxygen giving, 17 year old, faithful bird loving friend, with . . .(gulp) . . . gasoline.

I know, (with greater emphasis,) I KNOW! The sad thing is I wasn't trying to kill the tree, I was trying to kill the damn ants!  I was at least five feet away when I poured the liquid fire on the pile of crawling insects that were preparing to march right into my house and take over. I looked for the ant killer, I found it sitting behind where the gas sat when I went to put the gas back.

The first summer only half the leaves turned brown and died. I prayed for a merciful kind heavenly being to take pity on me. You can see from the picture the answer was "No." But the first summer after the dead ants were washed away, and I (not thinking) soaked the gas right into the roots. I thought maybe I was going to get lucky!
"Isn't that interesting", I told Glade,
"I only killed every other branch. Maybe it's going to make it?"
I totally forgot about how when it comes to any living tree, I'm the designated tree killer. If there is a tree anywhere in sight, there is well over a 99 percent probable chance, I will kill it. I'm not going to go into how many trees I've killed in my life time.

Hey, I just want you to know however, I'm not the only one with tree killing power. Don't just point your finger at me. Man with a drill killed our finest peach tree last fall. Huh . . .huh, how bout' that?

"Man with a drill" sometimes masquerades as "Man with a saw." Make sure you know what tool he has in his hand if you find yourself sitting in his dental chair! Now, I am sad to inform people there will be no shade, no chirping, no beautiful red leaves come fall. Say goodbye to the Pear tree. I'm so sad I could cry. I do however have some lovely firewood, and the plastic pool will be hot and leaf free this summer! Somehow that just doesn't cut it. I miss my tree already!

Mother's day and father's day is coming up. Maybe some new trees would be nice. Could you please buy the fully grown kind. Two big enough to shade our house would be awesome. I promise not to kill them. :/