“And whoso receiveth you,
there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right
hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels
round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88).”
As
2017 comes to a close, our family is reminded of the many blessings that come
from striving to follow the Savior. These past 4 Christmas's the Lord really has been carrying us. His Spirit has truly held on to our broken hearts. He truly is our greatest gift! Our family
can also testify of the presence and power of angels. Glade and Corbin are
always with us and they do in deed “Bear us up!” And while we do not fully
understand this road our lives have taken, we are learning to walk by faith.
This
is the first year I haven’t put together a family photo for Christmas cards. And
it was one of my favorite things to do at Christmas, but to be honest; I
struggle now to take a picture without Glade in it. It breaks my heart. I know he's there with us, but I sure would like to see his smiling physical face. This year featured
below are my cute grandkids. What a light they are to me as are
the rest of my children.
Family
really is everything. Death has taught us this principle in greater depth.
Treasure those you love. We never know how long we have with them “here’ both in
body and in spirit as we journey through this wonderful and sometimes trying earthly
experience.
Much
love to you at this beautiful time of year. Thanks for being wonderful friends.
There'll never be a night that's so dark that we won't shine!
Or a dream that we've lost that we can't find!
On the Fourth of July I was sitting watching my family as they were providing great entertainment on my birthday. I decided to record it! I love capturing these spontaneous moments. I was missing Glade something fierce when I noticed a song that was playing on the radio. We are crows and we love music and usually have it playing in the background at any party. As I heard the familiar tune, suddenly I felt Glade in every note. It felt as if he were standing right there next to me. As I listened to each verse, I could hear his voice in every word. It was a powerful message to me and a wonderful gift from the man I love on my special day. And as I wrote his thoughts down on my phone, so as to never forget, I realized how powerful his communications resonate in me as well. I can't tell you how much I love my husband and my family! My world! My everything! Thanks honey for the remarkable gift, it made my day! Man, I love your heavenly ways! Love from you I will never ever forget! And thanks to my beautiful family for another great birthday! 💚🇺🇸😇
"From time to time I have regrets
For all the things I didn't say
That were on my list,
From time to time my memory slips
But you're the one thing in my life
I won't forget!
There'll never be a minute of the day I won't think of you,
My feelings are so strong in me
I feel it through and through.
There'll never be a night that's so dark that we won't shine!
40 years ago today I stood in the hallway on the 2nd floor of the Ogden
Temple. I was holding Glade's hand waiting to walk into our sealing room,
waiting to walk into a life I could barely dream of. I remember it like it was
yesterday. His hand was damp, cold, clammy, and uninviting. My hand was alive,
hot, dry, and excited for the future. I couldn't wait to leave my old life
behind and take on this new one. It was something I had prayed for from the
time I was a small child and I learned how to pray. It's the whole reason I
prayed! I was filling an immensely sad and lonely hole in me that day and I
couldn't wait. My life long goal was to have a "Happy Home" and here
I stood, looking in at my beautiful dream, just minutes away from kneeling
right in front of it, locking hands with it, staring into its eyes filled with
a love I can't describe. I was minutes away from uttering a single word that
would secure my dream and seal it for eternity. "Yes," A thousand
times "Yes," over and over again in my mind that day,
"Yes." Kneeling across that alter, looking at the man who loved me
like no other human ever had, my heart and soul were anything but scared.
Glade must have sensed that day, in some real fashion that he was never
going to get an 8 course meal ever again. He was leaving the house of homespun
luxury. Glade's mom was an amazing attentive mother, preparing food was
something she did very seriously and I think he knew there'd be no more hot
breakfasts consisting of eggs piled high with bacon, or lunches packed in a
sack with serious immensity. He had to have known there would be no more pie
plates piled high with fat, protein, and carbohydrates left waiting in the
fridge every night if he were going to be ten minutes late, pie plates warmed
and served up by loving hands tending to his every whim the minute he got home.
I use to tease him. I told him his hand was cold and clammy that day because he
knew deep inside his life was over. We use to laugh about it. The laughter
would always end with his proclaiming his love for me, his faith in me, and how
it was the choice of a lifetime for him.
Now here I am. I'm looking at my life and I ache for the man who made me
whole. He was and always will be the very best part of me. I've always thought
that whatever good could be found in me, came from him. And though he is
physically gone, I do feel him deeply. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he's
with me. I know he's aware of everything I do, but that doesn't stop the
constant hurt, the all encompassing aching. It brings comfort from some of it,
but the whole of it is inescapable.
I buried my soul mate, the best of me, the air I needed to breath, my
world! We buried a baby together and now I don't know how to bury the burning
pain inside me. I pack it everyday, it's intensely heavy and unless you're me,
you'll never understand.
I came to my cabin alone this week."How do I celebrate alone," was the stabbing question inside
me? The storms here filled with horrific winds toppling trees and houses, the
devastating rains flooding the mountains and cutting a path through everything
in its way was unnervingly symbolic of my intense soul racking, pain filled
grief. It was as if the weather expressed the intensity of missing the man I
love. The Bear Lake valley lost power for 40 hours. I sat in the dark
completely alone for 40 hours going over and over the best and the last two and
1/2 years of the worst of 40 years. The man I love has been gone now 926 days.
Ironic, 40 years, and 40 hours without power. I don't know how I survived.
During the time I've been here I nearly lit my cabin on fire twice.
Twice, smoke filled up the inside of this place, evidence my mind was anywhere
but on what I was doing. Oh the craziness of it all. I burned two fingers, but
with my angel husband present with me, I didn't go to sleep after taking medication to
do so, instead I was led to see the source of the smoldering smoke filling my
bedroom. That night in the middle of the night I woke up to see a light in the
dark that confirmed to me angels are real. And my eternal companion is always
close by.
The day has arrived, our 40th wedding anniversary, our Ruby anniversary. I tried to stop it from coming. I loath, hate, and
despise rolling over and starring at an empty pillow. I miss him breathing
beside me. I miss his massive human frame. I miss more than anything HOW he
loved... ME! How in the world can I not feel emancipatingly empty? It feels
impossible.
40 years ago it was the single most beautiful day of my life! Prior to
any event, the pain of being physically separated from Glade is so intense I
think I can't make it. This past week has been brutal. Panic attacks, intense anxiety, my mind trying to figure out how to escape the searing pain. I have been through devastating trauma. It refuses to heal. Yet, in those times of
monumental adversity, Glade is always spiritually so present. I feel him holding on to me as I hang by a thread. I got up this
morning and I looked at his picture hanging on the wall by my bed and with
tears in my eyes I told him "Honey, I cannot take one more day of gloom!
Please, in honor of 40 magnificent years, give me the gift of sunshine
today...... I need it, I need to feel your love in the warmth of its rays, I
need to know you are here with me! It's our day and I can't be without you in
it." Ten minuets passed. I sat on the edge of my bed, I dried my eyes and stared out at the clouds beyond my window. To my astonishment, after
days of pouring rain, the clouds parted and the sun came out and the light of
its rays filled the room and were intense. I felt it lift me, I felt Glade, I felt his love pour
into me. It truly was a tender gift and together in love we had a beautiful
sunshine filled day. Des and I went snowshoeing. Hearts everywhere! Shreds of
love from my soul mate drifting in to remind me, forever will never be long
enough with you honey! Thanks for watching over me this week and reminding me
of every single reason why I married you.
I think one of the hardest things about death and grief is how people
judge and critique. People can't know and understand what they don't know and
understand. And many imagine how it should go, how one should react, how one
should behave, how death should be packed and expressed. Grief is like a thick
dark forest, the deeper into the dense woods you travel, the narrower the path
gets. And because of society's views on death, you mostly go alone. Grief is a
personal journey. A rare few will walk and stay by your side, but they can in
no way walk in your shoes. And into the forest you must go. You have to
experience the entirety of grieving to find any healing.
40 years and I am physically alone. And while it's hard not to dwell on
that, I know there's so much good to look back on and focus in on. I've had 40
of the most amazing memorable years. That's what makes the hurting so intense,
it's all that I've been blessed with, it's all that is amazingly good. You are
forever mine and I am yours! I got everything I wanted. I got everything I
prayed for the day I took Glade's hand and married him. I just didn't get it
for as long as I wanted, not in the here and now that is. It's hard to wait for
eternity to come and get me.
Even in death though, we are
still unwaveringly dedicated to each other! We held hands and made a vow across
an alter. We are not quitters! We're in this for the long haul. Our goal is an
eternal one. We are still very much in love and together in what counts most.
In the completeness of love, we are one. Death cannot take that away from us.
Death has no power over our love for each other. We love each other and that
love is still growing. It is vibrant! It is very much alive!
So while these three little words "I LOVE YOU" might sound so
trite when I say them, after 40 years they have been fashioned with blood,
sweat, and tears and they hold something so inexpressible in me. In the meager
228,132 words in the English language, I just can't find all the perfect one's
to tell you honey, just how much I love you!
I love you Glade! So much!!! And no matter what, I always will!You are a wonderful amazing man. You are an
extraordinary angel. You are kind and generous and full of love even still.
Today I am so glad you belong to me! I'm so grateful you are my forever!
Thanks for not letting go of my hand that day. Thanks for holding on to
it in the face of earth shaking fear. Thanks for leading me into a holy place
and for not backing out. Thank you for staying true, dedicated, and always
going the distance with me. Thank you for loving me in the most remarkable way.
And most of all, thanks for holding onto my hand through death. Thanks for
holding onto it still today! Thanks for refusing to ever let go! And beyond all
that is noble and good, thank you forever being the best choice I ever made in
my whole entire life! Oh how I love you! Happy Sweet Anniversary! 40 years
honey! We're just getting started!
PS, Thank you for the simple extraordinary gifts; a penny remarkably
placed, the hearts filled with your love appearing everywhere, in the sky, in
the ice, and chard into a burning metal pan that almost started the cabin on
fire. Thanks for the owls at 3 in the morning, the sun that lifted my heart
throughout the day, the light that illuminated the darkest night I've had in a
long time, thank you for not letting me fall asleep in the smoke, for showing
me what was about to erupt in flames, and especially for the rare lunar eclipse
with your own personal comet. The time spent celebrating our union, the day with all
its meaning was beautiful, just like it was 40 years ago! You truly are amazing
honey!!! I love you! I love you so much! Forever and Always! 💚 I love you! I made you a playlist, 40 of the best love songs in honor of you and me ---Yup, 40 for 40! I love how I feel you in every song! "Marry Me" by Train is number 11, in honor of our double ones, double ones honey, for you and me. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
