I found a paper I wrote in College in a communications class I had.
COMMUNICATIONS IN HUMAN RELATIONS
SCORE: A 100pts
Comments by Professor: Faye, I have so enjoyed having you in this class. I'm glad you feel it's been a positive experience! Good Luck! Keep in touch!!!
My Paper:
As far back as I can remember I've wanted a good marriage. When I was young, it consumed much of my thoughts. I wanted a home where two people could live in peace and tranquility. I wanted a home where love could always be felt by the people who entered therein. A sanctuary where one could seek refuge from the storms of life.
The home I grew up in was not a sanctuary. Although both of my parents are good people and raised me with a good values and a good philosophy of life, I never cared for their constant yelling and arguing. I spent many nights in tears wishing the periods of peace would exceed the periods of fighting, but they never did.
It is this discontentment in my childhood that keeps me relentless in my demands for a good marriage. My husband never questions me on the subject of a good marriage. he knows I'm General Patton in the army of human relations. Anyone who seeks to go AWAL is shot on sight no questions asked!
After viewing my home and listening to my parents, Glade has a greater appreciation for his own quiet beginning. I am thankful he supports me in my fight for a happy home. He knows and understand my deep seeded fears and he appreciates my enthusiasm in tackling the job. He too shares my goal.
I think marriage is much like a battle! It has to be fought for everyday. The good ones don't just happen. They are built piece by piece and labored over. You have to be willing to wage war on the unseen adversaries that seek to destroy the heart of the home.
I believe marriage is the heart of the home. It is the main artery that pumps all the blood and oxygen into a family. It is the force that wills a family to live in love. So what do you do when the main vein gets a build up of marital cholesterol? You go in for open heart surgery and hopefully with the correct tools you get that marital ticker ticking again. With a proper diet and a balance of exercised love you keep your relationship free from artery clogging debris.
One of the first tools we discussed in class was Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs. The beginning and most basic of needs the physiological need, the need for food and water and the need for shelter and to be clothed. The next is the need to feel safe. Then comes our social needs. Finally self-esteem follows.
I believe in order for a man and a woman to have the kind of marriage where two people come to feel emotionally like one, both must be nearing the top of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. Both individuals must see themselves in a positive light and must visualize what potentials lie within their reach. Being able to believe in themselves while believing in each other as well, it creates an I'm O---You're OK relationships, allowing for faults and growth at the same time.
There was a time in my marriage when I thought Glade was OK but I was not. It made our marriage rough and I was not fully capable of making the situation better when I was part of the problem. An individual who can never look within himself and see potential can never look within an added relationship and see any more potential that what he sees in himself.
My struggle to overcome self defeating behavior was a long battle. It has taken me many years to develop faith in myself. Sometimes that faith is severely shaken and I have to remind myself who I am. I honestly think the value of believing in yourself is the greatest value one can have. One you have to fight to keep.
I saw new channels of communication opened as I began to see potential within myself. Once I saw myself as being OK, I began to see my relationship with Glade as being OK. Glade did not change and our marriage had not changed. I had made the change and that in turn brought about changes in Glade and in our marriage. It makes me think of the statement in Fiddler On The Roof, "Every man must know who he is and what God expects him to be!" I know who I am and I know God expects me to be something. He expects me to take the potential within myself and develop it. Anything less would be a waste of life itself. I believe it was Henry David Thoreau who said, "How sad to live our life only to die and find we never really lived at all."
Not long ago, our fifth child passed away. This experience brought that statement into a deeper reality for me. I would have to say that this one single experience brought my relationship with Glade full circle. It made two hearts one! It made our communication interpersonal, gave it effectiveness, caused us to risk and to trust deeper in each other. It connected our grames of reference. We both see life in a deeper more meaningful context now. Even thought I would never choose to go through another experience such as this... it is the one experience that has brought the greatest amount of good to my life. It took death to teach me about life.
Now that you have an understanding of where this relationship has grown from, what about its future? One area I have always wanted to see come alive within our relationship is the area of communication.
I am very open in my ability to share and converse with Glade. It has never been difficult to confide in him. It is not hard to share my deepest fears or my deep concerns. I have always felt fully at ease with Glade. I never have concerns that he will criticize or condemn my faults or shortcomings. Glade is a very patient and understanding man; he is a gentle giant of a man. He is not tall in his physical stature but tall in my eyes in all those things that count in life. He has a good heart and I can always depend on him.
Glade is, however, quiet in some respects. For instance, he will come home from a hard day of drilling and he will look down and out and his countenance will look visibly dim. I will say, "How was your day?" He will reply, "OK". I will continue, "You look like you have had a rough day!" He'll comment, "No, it was OK." I usually have to open him up with a crowbar. Even then I only get the lid open a fraction of the way. It just seems that each time I try to engage in conversation beyond the weather I have to go into battle to get any kind of sharing on Glade's part.
I have asked him several times, if I were to never bring up the subjects in our life that need repairing now and then what would happen to our marriage? If you are waiting for a response to this question, pull up a chair and you can wait with me. I would like to see more communication on Glade's part, but this is clearly difficult for him.
Recently we were on the way home from an excursion with some friends. Some how the conversation turned to marriage. Several of the men were paying compliments to their wives and commenting on the aspects of their marriages that had changed for the better due to their wife's influence. I did not expect a compliment from Glade, but I was questioning in my mind how he felt about any of my influences. After 13 years of marriage I was curious. It was about this time that Glade made a statement that both surprised and hurt me. I laughed it off at the time, but all the way home I was crushed.
In all of our married history I feel I have made 75 percent of all the changes that have ever taken place in our relationship. I'm not perfect, but those changes were monumental to me. Those changes took untold effort and a vast amount of commitment and always proved to better my marriage.
All the way home, I tried to understand why Glade made such a statement. When we got home, I asked him why after 13 years of marriage he summed up my sole contribution to our marriage in one negative statement. To anyone else maybe it wouldn't have seemed negative, to me it was, and he knew it. He tried to skim by it but I would not allow any shallow musings. I tried to talk about it and he would not. This was the first time in our marriage I backed off and instead of pursuing the subject I said, "Fine, when you want to open up and discuss this, let me know. I will be willing to converse with you. If not, then we have nothing to talk about."
I was surprised when three days, nearly four passed and we were clearly not communicating. The general modes of conversation were present but that was it. Conversation such as come and eat, you are wanted on the phone, shut the door, etc.. Glade really tried to be friendly and act as if all was well. I was having none of it. Every time he would pursue a closer relationship I would ask, "Are you ready to talk?" Then it was back to square one.
It was a Wednesday and I came to class and we discussed defensive behaviors, when I arrived home all the kids were in bed and Glade was watching television. As I sat down on the couch he asked how my class was. I said, "fine." We sat a long time. I then asked him how long he would allow our relationship to suffer rather than discuss a problem. There was more silence. Then I was totally shocked when he began to open up. We talked about some of the things I had learned in class. I explained some of the tools to better a relationship and I shared some of my feelings as to why this statement in the car had upset me.
He finally opened up and shared some feelings that he had felt. He expressed some inadequacies that he saw in himself and he admitted that sometimes he had jealous feelings that prompted such statements that hurt. He said that there were times he wished he had the fortitude and the determination to make changes in his own life, and he admired my ability to see a need for change and to accomplish my goal. He also shared openly his inability to open up and that this was an area on which he would have to work.
It is interesting to look at the way we handle our problems now verses before our fifth child died. I could tell you that before our son's death I would have given Glade away before ever giving up one of my children. Now as strong and binding as a mother's love is for her children, I have grown to love Glade more. We have very few disagreements, I get ornery and so does Glade. He gets quiet ornery and I get loud ornery. He'll say, "No, I'm not ornery, and I'll say, "Yes you are." We will engage in this yes you are, no you are not conversation until Glade says, "Maybe I am a little ornery." When admitting defeat Glade always uses the word "maybe" or a "probably". I think it leaves him with room to breathe. We are both stubborn people but I can hold out a lot longer that he can.
Given Glade's quiet nature, I realized something for the first time the other night after class. All this time I've wanted Glade to be more open, I think it is the way I handle conflict that closes him up. Growing up in the type of environment I did, I learned to attack the enemy head on. I'm sure there are times when Glade feels like the enemy and I, with no regard to that thought, attck. Before the battle has even begun, I have set up a win for me and a loss for Glade. The night we discussed our relationship so openly I realized I had set the problem before both of us and we sat side-by-side in the discussion. In the past so many times I have set the table with the problem in the middle and Glade on one side and I on the opposite, ready to wage war. This is no way to set a table. This is no way to present problems.
I feel like a light has come on in the attic. I am able to look at myself now and see how any individual would close-up under such interrogation I can really see a need to concentrate more on the problem instead of trying to prove I'm right.
I read a quote the other night. I think it's a powerful quote to hang onto.
"It's better to be one than to be right. "
Marriage is no easy commitment. It is however the most fulfilling commitment one can make. Nothing in my life has brought me greater joy and I have painfully learned the hard way, that communication becomes easier when you are more worried about being one and less worried about being right. Mutual respect, kindness and love are the greatest motivators in communication.
