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Grieving is a difficult thing to understand. How our hearts deal with grief is as individual as the heart itself. No two hearts are exactly the same. We all process things so differently through that muscle that beats with all of life's experiences.
The other night I sat down to do some things on my computer, I can't even tell you what that was because as I was looking for one thing, I found another and before I knew it I was deep into writing. It took me until two in the morning to finish what you see here. It wasn't easy getting that tree to take shape. That night I never accomplished a single thing I planned on but suddenly there I was with the above photo before me. I made it in Photoshop and even though it took a long time to create, doing it made me feel better.
I guess I was grieving and I didn't even know it. Some days I really do miss my mother. I miss walking down the road to her house. Something about walking to my mother's house everyday was therapeutic. I miss walking in the door. I miss seeing her face light up when she saw me. I miss her voice when she always said, "You scared the Hell out of me!" She always said that when I popped in the door quick like. I was usually in a hurry. I wish I could go back and change that.
A small part of me maybe even misses the repetitive questions. "Where's Glade? He's a good man. Where's Deserey? Does she drive? Where did you get her name? She's a gem." Always pretty much the same pattern over and over again. Those same six expressions.
When it comes to caring for my mom, there are a lot of things I don't miss, like the painful parts of her loss of being independent and the grueling parts of worrying combined with daily constant care. I find it strange how I miss two women. I miss my young mother, and believe it or not I even miss parts of my old mother. Mostly I miss her constant presence. My mother was always there, even when she wasn't.
The need to check in on her has not left me. I'll be in town, or up at the cabin, in fact, I can be anywhere and suddenly something will strike me in a fashion that stops me in what ever I'm doing and my mind immediately races to the thought, "I've gotta check on mom." Then when I realize she's not there and I don't have to worry, I get this feeling right in the pit of my gut and it hurts. That feeling leaves my gut and travels straight to my heart and again I feel a pressure that produces pain. It doesn't last very long, but it strikes me daily at one time or another. I am amazed at our subconsciousness and what goes on there.
I certainly don't miss the stress of what comes in caring for an elderly person, but I do miss my elderly mother. And because it's Christmas I miss her even more.
One thought that has bothered me over and over again is just how much time my mother spent alone. She was alone for so long. Out of every single day, so much of my mother's time was spent all alone. Even though this was her wish, to be in her home, and that meant being alone, just thinking about all that aloneness hurts.
As I think about Christmas, my Savior and His birth, His plan for how we should live our lives, I immediately think about our responsibility to care for each other while we are here on this earth. I'm so thankful I was able to care for my mom. And even though I feel like I did a pretty good job, I wish I had done a better job. I wish I had hurried less. I wish I had spent more time. I wish I had served her even more than I did. I wish I had loved her so much more, told her, showed her, far greater than I did. And even though the night before she died, when I tucked her into bed, kissed her and told her how much I loved her, I wish I had put my arms around her and hugged her tighter than I ever had in my life. I really wish I had done that and if I could go back in time, I'd hold her and hug her forever. Oh how I regret doing that single little thing.
So today I'm just sayin', take a look at the parts of your life that are all wrapped up in stuff that really doesn't matter. Take time to love someone today. Slow down! Take time to love them extra special. Take time to tell em' with boldness, so they know it without a shadow of a doubt. Take time to see something good in your life and tell someone close to you that they matter. Look at the bright side of life. Look up and say a little prayer of thanks. Look at your blessings. Take time to count a few you haven't noticed.
Every day I have the chance to change and be more loving. I'm so thankful for those in my life who let me practice until I get it right! In my life I am working hard. I want to make sure in my life I don't miss growing into a loving person!!!
While you're at it, be a little kinder to yourself as well. Be positive and cheerful! And by all means, look to God for help in becoming more like our Savior the child whose birth we celebrate. And while you're at it, if you have any time, pray on an idea of someone you could love and help today. Are you depressed? Get out and help someone else, you're depression will grow lighter each time you do.
I hope when I die someone will stand and say I reflected the light of Christ, just a little bit each day. And I hope as I'm working to make myself into something my Savior would be proud of that loving becomes my nature, like it was His nature! Well, it's a good goal to shoot for. I know my Savior will make up the difference when I can't.
All of this pondering over my sweet little mom and what really matters in life has made me realize my mother really was a great example to me. I think back to her funeral. Something touched me as I stood in line and listened to people and all the wonderful things they said about her. I got to see my mother through different eyes. I loved what I saw! That view of my mother will stay with me now till I see her again. It gave me a different perspective of her. Seeing her through others made me realize all the times I was too hard on her. Children do that ya know? We hold our parents accountable in ways that are far too strict. Every parent makes mistakes, every single one. So today I am thankful for good parents, people who did the best with what they had, people who gave me life, the greatest gift!
Today that life is rich with so many blessings I can't even begin to tally them all up. Love of God, family and friends. Health. A job. A nice roof over my head. Heat and the warmth that loving relationships bring. I have so many blessings I can't count and today I realize how many of them flow into my life because of a wonderful mother, because of two wonderful parents, two people who stayed together at all odds and raised me up.
I hope I can live my life in reflection of all they gave me, all that richness in all they taught me. And forever I'll miss them, especially my mother. Yup, like the poem says, I will, I will, I will.
A post in honor of the little things in life.
The little things that are really the big things!
