Today is an important day.
Today marks 74 years.
They are both gone, but not forgotten.
Happy Anniversary to my Mom and Dad!
I love and miss them both!
(I love these old photographs.)
Ironically, 40 years ago today this man ask me to marry him!
I don't think he realized it was my mom and dad's anniversary.
I know that's not what was on my mind when he took
me to the top of the Church Office Building,
took me out on the roof, a thing you can no longer do.
got down on one knee and then handed me a box to open.
As he did, he pointed over at the view of the Salt Lake Temple,
then asked me if I'd kneel at an alter inside with him
and be his eternal sweetheart!
I said YES so fast a clock could not record the time!
I don't know where 40 years went.
They certainly were the best!
And never in my life did I think I'd be sitting here writing about it. . . .
alone.
We grew together until the best part of me was him!
I cannot tell you how empty my life feels with out him.
I can't put into words the complete devastation I feel.
I can in no way describe for anyone the pain that strangles me daily,
how it hangs with me every second, how my mind never stops thinking of him.
I can't count the tears that fall or the shattered parts of me.
They outnumber the stars in the sky, I'm sure.
I miss him.
Three simple words that sound so useless in describing
HOW I MISS HIM!
After all,
I love him.
I LOVE him.
I LOVE HIM.
He was my reason for breathing.
I think the first year he was gone all I wanted to do was die.
I think the second year I thought about living but thought more about dying.
Some days now I don't think I really want to die.
I think I just want the sorrow, the agony, the constant pain to die.
And I want him to LIVE!
I am no good alone.
I don't want advice from people.
I especially don't want advice from those who have no clue!
I don't want anyone to fix it.
I am tired of common cliches like, "He's yours for eternity."
I know he's mine for eternity!
I don't care about eternity.
What I care about is ---NOW,
HERE and NOW!
I care about being together ---- NOW!
I want my hopes and my dreams back.
I want my awesome wonderful magnificent life back.
He was the awesome,
He was the wonderful,
He was the magnificent in it all.
Now I'm just left with me and I think without him, I hate me.
I fell in love with the WE!
Life is all about the WE!
I need the WE, him and me!
I wanted to grow old together,
I wanted to sit in a chair in the evenings side by side.
I look at his pillow at night and I need to talk to him.
But he's not there.
The emptiness is going to kill me.
My brain is not my friend.
I need his voice.
His calm and reassuring voice.
Don't judge me today.
You are not me!
I lived the first 20 years of my life waiting to be loved.
I think he was the only thing I ever needed.
Now I have a beautiful family.
They sustain me.
They remind me of him.
And gratitude fills my soul that I have them.
But make no mistake.
Nothing. . . absolutely nothing, fills his space.
Nothing ever will.
And for that I am filled with gratitude.
I am grateful for so much pain!
I truly am.
It is reflective of all the love.
Few people can say they have a love like this.
I can.
I do!
