40 Years... Happy Anniversary Honey

40 years ago today I stood in the hallway on the 2nd floor of the Ogden Temple. I was holding Glade's hand waiting to walk into our sealing room, waiting to walk into a life I could barely dream of. I remember it like it was yesterday. His hand was damp, cold, clammy, and uninviting. My hand was alive, hot, dry, and excited for the future. I couldn't wait to leave my old life behind and take on this new one. It was something I had prayed for from the time I was a small child and I learned how to pray. It's the whole reason I prayed! I was filling an immensely sad and lonely hole in me that day and I couldn't wait. My life long goal was to have a "Happy Home" and here I stood, looking in at my beautiful dream, just minutes away from kneeling right in front of it, locking hands with it, staring into its eyes filled with a love I can't describe. I was minutes away from uttering a single word that would secure my dream and seal it for eternity. "Yes," A thousand times "Yes," over and over again in my mind that day, "Yes." Kneeling across that alter, looking at the man who loved me like no other human ever had, my heart and soul were anything but scared.

Glade must have sensed that day, in some real fashion that he was never going to get an 8 course meal ever again. He was leaving the house of homespun luxury. Glade's mom was an amazing attentive mother, preparing food was something she did very seriously and I think he knew there'd be no more hot breakfasts consisting of eggs piled high with bacon, or lunches packed in a sack with serious immensity. He had to have known there would be no more pie plates piled high with fat, protein, and carbohydrates left waiting in the fridge every night if he were going to be ten minutes late, pie plates warmed and served up by loving hands tending to his every whim the minute he got home. I use to tease him. I told him his hand was cold and clammy that day because he knew deep inside his life was over. We use to laugh about it. The laughter would always end with his proclaiming his love for me, his faith in me, and how it was the choice of a lifetime for him.

Now here I am. I'm looking at my life and I ache for the man who made me whole. He was and always will be the very best part of me. I've always thought that whatever good could be found in me, came from him. And though he is physically gone, I do feel him deeply. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt he's with me. I know he's aware of everything I do, but that doesn't stop the constant hurt, the all encompassing aching. It brings comfort from some of it, but the whole of it is inescapable.

I buried my soul mate, the best of me, the air I needed to breath, my world! We buried a baby together and now I don't know how to bury the burning pain inside me. I pack it everyday, it's intensely heavy and unless you're me, you'll never understand.

I came to my cabin alone this week.  "How do I celebrate alone," was the stabbing question inside me? The storms here filled with horrific winds toppling trees and houses, the devastating rains flooding the mountains and cutting a path through everything in its way was unnervingly symbolic of my intense soul racking, pain filled grief. It was as if the weather expressed the intensity of missing the man I love. The Bear Lake valley lost power for 40 hours. I sat in the dark completely alone for 40 hours going over and over the best and the last two and 1/2 years of the worst of 40 years. The man I love has been gone now 926 days. Ironic, 40 years, and 40 hours without power. I don't know how I survived.

During the time I've been here I nearly lit my cabin on fire twice. Twice, smoke filled up the inside of this place, evidence my mind was anywhere but on what I was doing. Oh the craziness of it all. I burned two fingers, but with my angel husband present with me, I didn't go to sleep after taking medication to do so, instead I was led to see the source of the smoldering smoke filling my bedroom. That night in the middle of the night I woke up to see a light in the dark that confirmed to me angels are real. And my eternal companion is always close by.

The day has arrived, our 40th wedding anniversary, our Ruby anniversary. I tried to stop it from coming. I loath, hate, and despise rolling over and starring at an empty pillow. I miss him breathing beside me. I miss his massive human frame. I miss more than anything HOW he loved... ME! How in the world can I not feel emancipatingly empty? It feels impossible. 

40 years ago it was the single most beautiful day of my life! Prior to any event, the pain of being physically separated from Glade is so intense I think I can't make it. This past week has been brutal. Panic attacks, intense anxiety, my mind trying to figure out how to escape the searing pain. I have been through devastating trauma. It refuses to heal. Yet, in those times of monumental adversity, Glade is always spiritually so present. I feel him holding on to me as I hang by a thread. 

I got up this morning and I looked at his picture hanging on the wall by my bed and with tears in my eyes I told him "Honey, I cannot take one more day of gloom! Please, in honor of 40 magnificent years, give me the gift of sunshine today...... I need it, I need to feel your love in the warmth of its rays, I need to know you are here with me! It's our day and I can't be without you in it." Ten minuets passed. I sat on the edge of my bed, I dried my eyes and stared out at the clouds beyond my window. To my astonishment, after days of pouring rain, the clouds parted and the sun came out and the light of its rays filled the room and were intense. I felt it lift me, I felt Glade, I felt his love pour into me. It truly was a tender gift and together in love we had a beautiful sunshine filled day. Des and I went snowshoeing. Hearts everywhere! Shreds of love from my soul mate drifting in to remind me, forever will never be long enough with you honey! Thanks for watching over me this week and reminding me of every single reason why I married you.

I think one of the hardest things about death and grief is how people judge and critique. People can't know and understand what they don't know and understand. And many imagine how it should go, how one should react, how one should behave, how death should be packed and expressed. Grief is like a thick dark forest, the deeper into the dense woods you travel, the narrower the path gets. And because of society's views on death, you mostly go alone. Grief is a personal journey. A rare few will walk and stay by your side, but they can in no way walk in your shoes. And into the forest you must go. You have to experience the entirety of grieving to find any healing.

40 years and I am physically alone. And while it's hard not to dwell on that, I know there's so much good to look back on and focus in on. I've had 40 of the most amazing memorable years. That's what makes the hurting so intense, it's all that I've been blessed with, it's all that is amazingly good. You are forever mine and I am yours! I got everything I wanted. I got everything I prayed for the day I took Glade's hand and married him. I just didn't get it for as long as I wanted, not in the here and now that is. It's hard to wait for eternity to come and get me.

 Even in death though, we are still unwaveringly dedicated to each other! We held hands and made a vow across an alter. We are not quitters! We're in this for the long haul. Our goal is an eternal one. We are still very much in love and together in what counts most. In the completeness of love, we are one. Death cannot take that away from us. Death has no power over our love for each other. We love each other and that love is still growing. It is vibrant! It is very much alive!

So while these three little words "I LOVE YOU" might sound so trite when I say them, after 40 years they have been fashioned with blood, sweat, and tears and they hold something so inexpressible in me. In the meager 228,132 words in the English language, I just can't find all the perfect one's to tell you honey, just how much I love you!

I love you Glade! So much!!! And no matter what, I always will!  You are a wonderful amazing man. You are an extraordinary angel. You are kind and generous and full of love even still. Today I am so glad you belong to me! I'm so grateful you are my forever!

Thanks for not letting go of my hand that day. Thanks for holding on to it in the face of earth shaking fear. Thanks for leading me into a holy place and for not backing out. Thank you for staying true, dedicated, and always going the distance with me. Thank you for loving me in the most remarkable way. And most of all, thanks for holding onto my hand through death. Thanks for holding onto it still today! Thanks for refusing to ever let go! And beyond all that is noble and good, thank you forever being the best choice I ever made in my whole entire life! Oh how I love you! Happy Sweet Anniversary! 40 years honey! We're just getting started!

PS, Thank you for the simple extraordinary gifts; a penny remarkably placed, the hearts filled with your love appearing everywhere, in the sky, in the ice, and chard into a burning metal pan that almost started the cabin on fire. Thanks for the owls at 3 in the morning, the sun that lifted my heart throughout the day, the light that illuminated the darkest night I've had in a long time, thank you for not letting me fall asleep in the smoke, for showing me what was about to erupt in flames, and especially for the rare lunar eclipse with your own personal comet. The time spent celebrating our union, the day with all its meaning was beautiful, just like it was 40 years ago! You truly are amazing honey!!!  I love you! I love you so much! Forever and Always! 💚 I love you! I made you a playlist, 40 of the best love songs in honor of you and me ---Yup, 40 for 40! I love how I feel you in every song! "Marry Me" by Train is number 11, in honor of our double ones, double ones honey, for you and me. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!