Love

Each day my mind fights to accept my new reality. Every day is a battle to take in what the heart knows but the mind refuses. I've never struggled so hard with anything in my entire life! No never, not in any form!!! I've lost a child and survived that, that was hard enough to survive, but losing my soulmate and eternal companion far surpasses any grief I've ever known! I miss Glade so deeply there are no words to describe it. My heart is broken beyond repair and I fear it will never mend!

In an effort to find a fragment of comfort to sustain me during this season that is meant to be happy, I decided to decorate Glade and Corbin's grave. 30 years my son has been gone and he and Glade are now buried together.  Corbin's tiny casket now rests on top of Glade's within the same grave. For 30 years Corbin's grave was located up on the bench next to mountains, next to Glade's parents. He was suppose to be with me when I die. More thoughts my mind cannot accept. In a single day, Mike Leavitt hand dug Corbin's grave and carefully brought his casket to us. Plans change even when you don't want them to! On the day of Glade's funeral, they carried it in, a tiny white casket holding my son. They sat it at the foot of Glade's as we said our last good byes, had a family prayer and closed the lid for the last time. For one brief moment in time, I had my entire family all together in one room. All of us there together with a thin veil in-between. It was just a glimpse into my future when we are finally all called home.  I long for that day now, when we all stand somewhere in heaven, all together on the other side, arm in arm, hand in hand, my eternal circle of love. What a reunion that will be. There is life after death. I KNOW this! Beyond a shadow of a doubt. So now I visit a grave much closer to me. Now I visit two people I love. Every day, it is my ritual. I know the grave is only a resting place for the body, but I go there trying to find some measure of acceptance. There is none to be found, Some day I'll write about all the spiritual encounters I have continually with heaven and those who live there. I now have a testimony of what the spirit can do and where the spirt can travel after death! Words for another day.

When someone you love rests beneath the earth you take up the act of caring for their physical place of rest, even though the spirit does not reside there, you care for it just the same. I made a Christmas tree and even found battery operated lights to shine in the dark and illuminate it's beauty. Des helped me make a beautiful wreath as well and we found a couple of other things to add to the decor of Glade and Corbin's grave.  I am amazed at how any simple act of serving, even in death, brings comfort.  

Decorating a grave at Christmas time in the search to find comfort is not what I thought I'd be doing this year. In the midst of darkness though there are fragments of light trying to break through! There have been some Angels stopping by my house in the night leaving love and kindness at my door! I don't know who they are but my heart is filled with gratitude for lifting our spirits and brightening up this difficult time! Finding God's love and care at the door every night has been comforting. Charity faileth not!

My mailbox has a glow about it too! Gathering mail with Glade and I's name printed there is more comforting than words can express! And I feel the genuine depth of prayers by so many and also by those who have been putting the Crowther name in the temple. All things combined are life sustaining ---literally! Thank you is something I can't say enough! Every time I turn around, someone somewhere is helping me! Angels walking around with human wings! Thank you so much!

I get so down on myself. I'm a person who is brutal in my self expectations. Glade softened that in me, he has always been my healing voice in this life! He has always been literally, the healthy side of me, the best half of me. With him, I always felt I could do anything. Perhaps that is why I struggle so. I do have to say though at the end of every day, I am so grateful...  if there is one choice I got perfectly right in this life, it was my choice of whom to marry! And arguing with him because I wanted 8 kids has proven to be the 2nd most brilliant decision I ever made! What is there in this life that really matters besides family? Nothing!

I've had lots of people ask me, "How did you raise such a close family?" Today, with Glade gone, I am starting to wonder. . . if perhaps the answer isn't a simple one. I married Glade! Together we make the perfect team. And taking credit for nothing, I honestly think that my children are the perfect expression of that union. A man and a woman who honestly love each other deeply and sustain that love in their children. It doesn't matter if life is full of  ups and downs! What matters is how well you sustain those ups and downs with love. Love is the key to everything in this life. And if a man and a woman truly love each other and that love is exercised in their children, well now, that is a recipe for success in any family. Love passionately, live passionately, play together as a family..... passionately and don't let anything or anyone pull you apart. To have a loving family is the greatest blessing anyone could ever have! It was my only goal in this life. All I ever wanted was a happy family. Perhaps that is why my loss feels giant, too big to carry. How do I go forward without the man who was our glue? No wonder I feel lost, broken, and unraveled at every seam!

As I stand at this little plot of land though, I can say one thing with all certainty! If I have learned anything at all through life and death, it is this..... the only thing that matters in this life is HOW WE LOVE!

I'm so grateful to have married a man who loved with all of his heart.

In Memory Of Eleanor Crowther - Truly A Great Lady!

A Tribute To Glade's Second Mom

September 13, 1920 - January 6, 2014

Every once in a while, by the sheer grace of God, a blessing is bestowed upon life in a single moment, a blessing that will forever improve us in such a way that we can scarcely comprehend it until time has past and the blessing has unrolled and presented itself fully in all it's greatness. Some of our greatest blessings come to us totally unannounced, almost as if they slip in the back door when we are not looking. They settle in upon us so subtly we have no clue as to the tremendous worth and richness they will add to our lives. And we go about living one day after the next, never fully taking stock of what surrounds us, until one day, years down the road, when in a single moment that same blessing slips sadly from us as subtly as it arrived and we are faced with the complete loss of what we really had. Suddenly we stop, stunned only to feel the pain in our hearts as our comprehension becomes crystal clear as to the worth of what was before us.

"It is a wise individual who values what is before him and cherishes it while it is with him." Wisdom by ~Faye Crowther

I speak of these things because that is how I came to know Eleanor. Suddenly, one day she was just there. She came into my life so subtly, unannounced, a blessed gift in the making. Little did I know she would become one of the greatest blessings I would ever have grace my life.
Lucky for me, it didn't take me long to realize what God had given me. In every way possible Eleanor always was and always will be, a guiding light in my life! Her wisdom knew no boundaries and extended out to every characteristic trait any human could possess. From kindness to tact, Eleanor had it all. She always knew what to say and when to say it. She was educated, honest, loyal, a defender of truth, a friend in the greatest sense of the word and above all else she had a giant, spiritual, giving heart. Eleanor was one of the purest examples of Christ like love I have ever met.

In some of my roughest trials in life, Eleanor was always the first person I turned to for direction. And without fail, I always came away with exactly what a wounded confused soul needed. In those beginning years of our relationship, I lost a son and there were many times she spoke wisdom to my aching broken soul. In fact I wish I had her to turn to now! If I had any problem, Eleanor always had wisdom and comfort for me. Her wise words were always a light in my life.

There are so many things I could say about Eleanor. The list could extend into the eternities. I'll miss how she taught me to play cards, Hand and Foot, and never forget, a card laid is a card played ---you better not take your finger off it. She was a stickler for rules in any game. In my life I will never lack for fond memories of one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. Oh, how I love her. Her example of how to live life will always be with me.

One thing I always said to her, "Eleanor, I hope I can grow up to be even half the woman you are! If I can just rise above myself that far, I will have really accomplished something." I meant it too. Anyone would have to strive long and hard to come anywhere close to this woman's sheer incredibleness! There is no doubt in my mind the mansion she has earned for herself in the life she now resides in. And she leaves a hole here no one can fill.

I love you Eleanor! I know Hazel (Glade's Mom) sent you to us. Lorin was so lucky to find you. And when I think of monumental blessings in my life that are rich beyond measure I will think of YOU! My comprehension of your worth in my life is crystal clear! May God bring me someday to where you and my loved ones are! May I live worthy of that. I know you are with Glade and with my Corbin..... and my mission now becomes a tough one, living worthy to be with those I love more than life itself. Hug them for me. Thanks for being a great lady, an example to all, excellence in its finest!

Forever and Always!
Love you so much!