I've always wanted to see the inside of a cop car. I've always wondered what it would feel like to sit in the passenger seat and get a real good look at what goes on inside a vehicle that can locate me on any street, at any moment. Did I tell you all policeman know me. The whole force has a fetish with me. It's mostly my right foot they're attracted to, the one that's always planted firmly on the gas! Unfortunately when I'm in my car, I only know two speeds; stop and go fast. I'm sure when they pull me over and get a glimpse of my official driving record every cop has the same thought, "Oh no, it's her again!"
I was coming home from Bear Lake the other day. I had no intentions of speeding. I'm never in a hurry when I'm forced to vacate my favorite cabin. I always pull away real slow, making my way to the canyon entrance with one eye fixed in the rear view mirror. In fact, the whole entire time I have heart pain, sauntering down the street, wishing I didn't have to leave. That's why I was so happy I was flawlessly behaving myself when I passed the first officer parked on the side of the road with his little gun pointed at me. I wanted to pull over and say, "Na, na, na, na, na!" I wanted to stop and tell him to pull up my driving record and write it down, record for the world, how he actually visibly caught Lightening Woman On Wheels going the speed limit. "Take that!" I thought. "No revenue for you this month." I was feeling smug as I cruised past him three miles under the posted limit. I was grinning all the way.
I don't know what happened after that. Suddenly everything spun out of control. I rounded the corner and was making my way up the canyon. Des and I had pumped up the music and were singing loudly, enjoying life, minding our own business when I saw the little red and white flashing lights spinning in my rear view mirror. At first I was stunned, speechless, totally taken off guard. I thought perhaps I had missed some speeding bullet, a car that was now nowhere in sight but had miraculously sped past me without my recollection. That's when reality hit and I realized he was coming after me. "Good hell," I muttered under my breath." I went on talking to myself. "I was NOT speeding. What in the hell does he want." I really like the word hell when I'm frustrated. Des was as unaware and dumfounded as I. "What did you do mom," she asked in her snide accusing voice? "How do I know," I shot back. I pulled over and started to hiss as I watched him climb out of his car, his little smokey the bear hat bobbing up and down as he made his way to my vehicle.
I rolled down my window. He was a nice looking police officer. He had a large frame, nice dark hair, his badge was extra shiny. "Mam," he started up. "Did you see that stop sign back there?" I looked at Deserey with a startled expression that could have changed the world. I think I said something profound back to him like, "Huh," although I can't be completely certain, after all, I was in shear and utter shock. Des and I sat there looking at each other like we'd suddenly come down with a serious case of Alzheimers.
"Officer, I'm sure I stopped," I said, with serious conviction and complete politeness. I looked at Deserey and started asking her all sorts of questions. "We stopped Des, didn't we . . . huh . . . ya . . . right?" I was stuttering as I talked now. That's when Des caught on and started shaking her head up and down. "Oh ya, we totally stopped. I remember," she said real convincing like. By the way, my daughter is not blonde. I thought for sure he'd buy it. He looked at me and Des and asked if we wanted to see his video machine. "Video machine! Are you serious," I said? My mind started envisioning me and Des in a series of video frames, flying through the dumbest stop sign ever placed on earth, hands in the air, screaming wildly like we were on the best ride at LaGoon. I just sat there in a frump. "No thanks," I murmured. I handed him my drivers license and registration, then proceeded to sit there in my seat like a worm. When he was out of ear shot I started rambling in a high pitched tone. They were words I will not type!
Des and I sat waiting for the inevitable. That's when my mind came up with the idea. I don't know what made me think it. I was mulling it over in my head when I saw movement in my rear view mirror again. He was walking towards my car. This time his brown starched hat was off. Was this a good sign? I noticed his gun was still jammed in his holster, so honestly I felt things were going really well. He sauntered up to Desi's side of the car. Suddenly the window was down and my mouth was wide open spewing out words I could never take back, "I think I'd like to see that free movie after all officer." I couldn't believe I actually said it. He looked at me with total surprise. If that wasn't dumb enough, I went on, "I've never seen the inside of a cop car, this may be my only opportunity I'm such a honest citizen and all." Here is where I started to see a glimpse of personality from the tightly woven uniformed man. "Ok," he perked up. "Come on back."
Hot Dang! Well, I was havin' fun now. If I was going to get a stupid ticket, I was at least going to enjoy getting it! Besides, "What the hell!" RIGHT? Life is to be lived BOLDLY! I'm not getting any younger. I hopped out of my car with a bounce in my step like Shirley Temple. He was so nice. He walked me right over to the passenger side of his car and even opened up the door for me. I felt like we were on a date. I wanted to ask him if he would cuff me just for an extra thrill. Think what a picture that would have made! I decided not to push my luck and climbed in the car, sitting myself down real comfortable like.
Boy was his car a mess. He keeps house in his car just like Man With A Drill. It must be the way of all men. After he got me all seated, he made his way around the back of his vehicle. I could have totally driven off while he walked, keys dangling in the ignition. Good thing I'm so honest. I wanted to lock the doors and not let him in just to see if I could manufacture an irate expression. I decided those were all bad ideas. He climbed in with me and now I found myself sweating and somewhat nervous.
I started looking at the inside of his office on wheels and without thinking, I began asking him about his cleaning habits. I told him I was a little worried about him, and that driving with all this clutter in his car could be hazardous. More of his personality started to emerge. He smiled and apologized for the mess and then he looked right at me and asked me if I wanted to plug in his big monitor. I was a little taken back by that comment. Then I realized what he meant when he started digging through the garbage on the floor to find the cord for a 17 inch screen that hung on the side of his console. I told him, "Look honey, I don't need to see myself breaking the law on your big monitor. This little five inch one ya got right here next to your rear view mirror will do the job." He laughed, a positive sign he had a soul.
I sat watching the monitor for a long time. Nothing happened, nothing moved! Was this a good sign? "AH HA," I was thinking. I didn't see myself speeding through the stop sign, so this has to be proof I am indeed innocent. I was sure now. That's when I kidded him about how I wasn't at all worried now I'd seen his poorly taped sixty second footage. He looked at me disgustedly and fiddled with the monitor once again. To my dismay he hadn't really started my convictional taping. He then pushed a different button and sure enough, that's when I painfully viewed my mud covered Envoy rolling through the big red stop sign.
I just sat there looking like a fish, eyes bulging, mouth gapping open, cold with guilty shame. He was having complete satisfaction now. He played the tape again. When he pushed the button for the third time, I decided to lighten the mood. "You're enjoying this aren't you," I said with a smirk. Then I pointed up at the monitor and just as my car rolled around the corner for the third time, I quickly said. "Look, I totally hesitated doncha think?" He laughed. I slumped down a little bit in my seat and grabbed my gloves out of my lap. "Ok, you win," I said. "Give me my stupid ticket." I sadly put my gloves back on and readied my fingers on the door handle for a speedy exit.
There are moments in this life that are simply unrepeatable. Moments that present themselves in udder surprise and shear astonishment. Moments I want to savor forever the second they hit my heart. One such moment suddenly grabbed hold of me. He leaned into me real close. The mood changed. His eyes were dark brown and his spirit started to radiate something quite different from the beginning. That's when I saw it in him, a softness, I hadn't seen before. He was holding my drivers license now and my registration. His mouth was turned up slightly and his expression was interestingly pleasant. He slowly handed the paper and plastic back to me. "Wait," I thought. There was no pink slip in his hand. I had to look twice to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me, and after I did I was certain, his hands held no ticket. Thats when he leaned in a little closer, tipped his head down for a minute and then looked up at me. He was smiling intently, "I'm not all about the ticket," he calmly professed. I just sat there in a daze.
"What?" I said boldly. I was trying to breath now. I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry or kiss him. "Are you kidding me?" I stammered. "I'm guilty as hell," I shot back. I sat there and honesty started to push it's way out of my soul. "Do you know how many times I've been pulled over this month?" I looked at him intently. I was on the witness stand now. I was cleansing my identity with every bad dead I had ever committed in a car. My voice was shaky and I felt water pressing down on my eyes. "You're really not going to give me a ticket," I asked in my most humble voice? He just smiled and launched into a fatherly set of instructions on how I was to drive safely home and be careful in the canyon. I rose from the car a new woman. Just before I turned to shut the door, I bent down and peered back in through the clutter. I paused for a long time while I sat there looking at him straight in the eyes, those soft brown eyes. "You're a good man," I calmly said. Then I shut the door behind me and skipped right back to my car before he could change his mind.
When I climbed in with Deserey she peered at me, her face all distorted like she was sorry I was her mother. It was one of those teenage looks, the kind they give you when they're thinking, "Are you for real." Now she started to get impatient with me, "What took you so long mother," she said with complete disgust. I pulled away with the officer fading in my rear view mirror. I wanted to go back and hug him, take a picture, but as I made my way up the canyon pass I knew I could never capture in a photograph what had really happened. I told Des the tale. I ended it with, "What a nice man!"
Now I can cross another dream off my bucket list. "Sit on the inside of a cop car!" Done . . .Check!
