The End Of An Era - Corbin

My house is a mess. My time is short. I've got a million irons in the fire. I should be up and doing. I am not. I am here... typing, thinking, pondering, reminiscing, and I am turbulent with emotion, emotion filled with joy and immense gratitude. 

Today I sat down and looked through hundreds of pictures. I relived moments that I wish I could call back again and again. It all settled in on me, every thought, every emotion, all of it rolling around inside me like a tidal wave, all of it pressing tight inside my frame, rushing in and out of me as I thumbed through one picture after another. And the words of how to give some measure of description to it all lay hidden deep in the inner most parts of me. I know they are there, the right words, but I can't find a way to pull them out in any structured order, I can't find a way to arrange them on paper so they make sense to anyone but me. 

I am analyzing life. I am processing it all, picking out the parts that bring wisdom, sifting, and savoring, trying to hang on tight to every feeling. And I realize, more than I ever have before, I have loved it all, every part of it, every small delicate piece, every ounce of life. I am passionate, for something that often feels like it's racing by way to fast. Like strokes painted on canvas with an artists brush, experiences and how they came rolling into my life in every color and how with each stroke, I tried to paint with greater depth and added dimension. And so often I worried my picture wouldn't be perfect, and now as I look back I see with clarity... every stroke was placed right where it was meant to be. It all unfolded just that way it should have. And I see now that the canvas of my life is beautiful.

In a week Deserey will graduate. My baby, the last of the last, an end of an era in my life. Letting go is never easy for me. The beginning of something new is about to unfold. And so I say good-bye and hello with so many mixed emotions, I can't count them all. And I want to pause and take notice. Chew on it for a bit. I want to pass through this phase slowly. I want to feel the change shape me as I go. I want to absorb it into every fiber, I want to feel the whole of it. I don't want to miss any part of it. So tonight I pause and I reflect with quiet intensity. 

This week I decided to pay tribute to an era in my life. I thought about just paying tribute to Deserey. Then I realized that just wouldn't do. So tonight I am biting of a big project in the middle of my jam packed life. I'm scanning pictures and writing. I'm getting no sleep. It's my way of swallowing the change. I'm going to take all week. And already just with my first post tonight, I am touched with the spiritualness of life, all it's glory and beauty, it's profound meaning. God's love is rich and overflowing in my life. My gratitude cannot be contained. I am a mother. And He gave me 8 children, a good husband and a life that has been perfect in every way. Even with my slow learning curve. It's all been just right. Nothing could have been more perfect for me.

To all my grown children. This week I pay tribute to YOU and a era, an era I'd go back and repeat in a heart beat!

My first tribute goes out to my son who graduated Summa Cum Laude ---translation; With highest honors! I'm paying tribute to him first. After all... he leads the way for us. It's appropriate.

Corbin Chad Crowther. Born to us October 20th, 1984. A stormy winter day. The picture below shows Man With A Drill featured in his graduation gown. We are saying good-bye to our friends in Cleveland. The truck is loaded and we prepared to make our trek home. We left for dental school with two and a half kids. We left for home with four and a half kids. Corbin is that little bump Gavin is sitting on. I am holding Gavin in my arms.

Those were good years. Those were good friends. And just looking brings back all the love and I remember only the good.

The picture below features my best friend, "Pidge." She was and always will be my kindred spirit, the best in a friend you could ever ask for. I laughed so hard when we had been friends for sometime and I learned that her middle name was Faye. What are the chances of that? Here we are both with child and due at the same time. Her Austin was born one day before Corbin.

Coming home from school felt good. When I look at this picture I am filled with joy. My little family.

I had no idea that day, how my life was about to change. How one little boy could make such a difference.

He came and only stayed three weeks. That's all it took. Just three short weeks to teach me everything I needed to know about life. Thanks to him I would gain wisdom and knowledge that would shape my life forever!

Only three weeks to gain something so valuable I couldn't gain it any other way.

And to my Father above, I owe all my gratitude. For giving me a soul so sweet, so pure, that he didn't have to stay. The gift has been one that continually keeps on giving. It breaths passion into my heart.

It was a hard that last night. I spent the whole of it mothering a perfect being. Every moment spent, rich in everything that counts in this life.

Then he was gone. Called home. If you look his name up in the bible dictionary you will see just how precious he was. "Given to God... a vow more binding than to parents."

Today I was listening to a song that described the whole of it perfectly. The song is entitled, "Blessings" by Laura Story.

We pray for blessing
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

Countless pictures of continual visits to a place that consistently reminds me of what life means and how I should care for it with all of my heart. I have so many good memories of this place. Every year my boys would race to try and climb the giant willow by Corbin's grave. So many memories in my head. So many tender feelings in my heart. A treasured time with a treasured child. Each year we changed and grew, but always and forever reminded of his role in our lives.

Our Heavenly Graduate. I pay tribute to you today! Lead us home!