Biggest Loser Journal Entry #1

It suddenly dawned on me this morning why people use the euphemism "Fat chance." I'm starting to think "Fat chance" goes well with the euphemism "It'll be a cold day in Hell." And together I think these two descriptive phrases must have been created by someone on a diet. I've only been trying to loose weight now for five days and already I'm thinking it will be a cold day in hell before I ever drop a pound. And "Fat chance" that I'll be walking home with any money from this stupid contest. I know now why I don't diet. It's the most miserable experience one could ever have. Like the lady to the left states there are a bazillion reasons for not going on a diet. I think the number one reason has got to be the fact that food is EVERYTHING! I mean think about it; food is fun, food is relaxing, food is comforting, food is satisfying, food is liberating, food is mood altering, food is energizing. One has to agree food is quite frankly the greatest thing that's ever been invented. So today I thought I would share some of my journal thoughts about our little contest and why I think dieting is the hardest thing ever to do. Here's two words that best describe the whole ordeal of trying to lose weight and win a stupid contest . . . IT SUCKS! The first day after paying my hard earned bucks and joining the contest, I tried starvation. I thought I'd just plain shrink my stomach the hard way. By five o'clock I wanted to rip someone's face off. I've decided my body and brain run on pure unadulterated carbohydrates and deprivation causes severe violent episodes in me along with a burning desire to kill anything that moves and breathes. It is at this point safe to say that sugar filled carbohydrates make me a much nicer person! It was so hard but I made it through the first night without my addictive substances. This was a major success for me because trying to stay clear of my peanuts and nibs and my plethora of candy stashed in my night stand drawer next to my bed is like trying not to breathe. Serious dieting and going without yummy food in every shape and form is like trying not to suck in any air when your lungs are about to collapse. Day two I decided starvation really wasn't helping so I spent time on the internet researching ideas for helping me succeed at losing weight. I'm not going to share all of my secrets - hahahaha - I'm at least smart enough not to give away my weapons in the war against whittling off fat. I will say that I decided if I were going to have a ghost of a chance to win I'd better get my butt moving, so the second day I started walking again. For those of you who don't know I've been an avid speed walker now for 21 years. But the last 9 months I've been a total slacker so I decided I'd better fire it up again. I made Deserey join me and after the first half block I realized how out of shape I was and listening to Des chide me for being so slow while panting and wheezing wounded my very pride. Day two wasn't too bad until six o'clock hit and after my second salad of the day I wanted to puke! That night I got roped into going to the store for my mom. She wanted me to bring her some treats, so needless to say I nearly bought out the entire candy isle just so I could hold the bag of sugar in my quivering hands and imagine I was swallowing sublime ecstasy. I took the goods to her house frothing at the mouth. She ask me to put some of the candy in a dish for her and that's when I nearly lost all control. I was really proud of myself though in the end I only ate two peanut clusters, three jelly beans, two licorice squares, a Lorna Dune, and one bite size milky way! That was a major break through for me, but I went home feeling really guilty. Day three I walked with Kaedell huffing and puffing all the way. By the end of my walk with her I could hardly move, my left hamstring was in such a knot and I limped half the way home. I think that's when depression started to seep into my mind and being filled with negative thoughts about how my chances of winning this contest were about as good as Ed McMann showing up at my door I decided I had to come up with some unique tactics to improve my odds. That's when I got a really great idea, so on Saturday night I decided to sabotage the other contestants. It was brilliant plan. I invited them over to watch the Jazz game and I made low fat Chile, but then for desert I stocked my candy drawer and bought all sorts of fat fueled treats. I even bought Fat Boys for everyone. It worked, I saw people sneaking into the candy drawer all night and when I brought out the fat boys nobody could resist. (Hahahahha - findish laugh) Just a side note I bought weight watchers Skinny Cow's for me to eat that night eh eh eh (you fools)! Take that you "Would be winners!" I think anyone reading this gets the picture though by now. Losing weight is no fun and absolutely the hardest thing ever to do. So if anyone has any good ideas they want to share please comment. And to anyone who has lost any amount of weight "KUDOS" to you! Ok, it's nearly noon and I'm so excited to eat my celery stick along with my bowl of lettuce for lunch! I have a headache! PS Any contestants needing to use my exercise equipment in the basement will now be required to pay a 2 dollar usage fee each time! (Maybe I can earn my twenty bucks back!)