Just The Beginning

Today they begin. A story yet to be written, one that will unfold and tick by slowly; day by day. It will span a lifetime, take up an eternity. I think it will be a beautiful story.

Tomorrow is going to be a beautiful day. It's beauty will not be determined by the weather or any other unseen factor.  Tomorrow's beauty rests in two individuals and choices they've made through out their lives.

Tonight as I prepare for the beauty of tomorrow, I'm not working on any pictures. Instead I'm recording a few thoughts. I have scheduled this post to take place at ten in the morning. It's an important hour. I think I'm finally ready for the day, although some lingering doubt rests in the back of my head. I have made all the necessary preparations, there are so many. It's finally late and time to retire. I'm sitting on the fireplace. Laptops and wireless internet are convenient for nights like this. I'm sitting here getting warm. I am taking a few minutes to contemplate a day I've anticipated for some time now. I'm thinking about a little boy who grew too fast. I'm thinking about how sneaky life is, how it slips past when you're not looking. I'm dwelling on all of the sweet memories that make me a mother.

I've only had two or three meltdowns today. I spent the day running around grabbing those last minute items. I stayed in a semi frantic frame of mind so I wouldn't have to think about the part of life I hate to see pass. I started the day of with a bang. I got a speeding ticket. The officer didn't think my pre-wedding day jitters constituted a significant reason to speed. He had no mercy on my heavy foot.

After shopping, picking up pictures, a trip to the garment store, a stop at Hallmark, and Walmart, I came home and went up stairs to ask Seth a question. He and Haley were moving his bed out of his room and packing up everything in sight. I started to cry. Haley immediately gave me a big hug. I love her so much! I went off on a tangent about how I didn't have a clue as to why I was crying. I told them both, I was the happiest mother on the planet. "Really I am," I said between sobs.  My emotions felt strange and confusing, so happy, so sad. I hugged them both, I couldn't love two kids more. I cried a bit longer, hugged them one last time, ranted for a second on how Seth's childhood went by way too quickly, and left the room.

I went down stairs and sat on my bed. My tears wouldn't stop. "This is crazy I thought." Yet I felt it, way deep down inside, that feeling, the one that hints at the notion that I'm losing something. It isn't true, I'm really gaining far more than I'm losing. But still, I know it is a time frame along life's path that is gone for good. I hate letting go. I simply hate parting with the nesting years. I hate not hearing those familiar footsteps down the hall. I miss the goings and the comings. The daily conversations about their day and all they are doing. I miss it all, caring for them, feeding them, and the happy interactions. I really don't like the day my little birds fly away!!! I hate it when they leave the nest. I know they will fly back. I know it's not the end of life. I know in a few days I'll love it. I'll adjust and there will be good in the new. Today however, that is not the case. I don't know what made me this way but I think it grows more intense in me the older I get.

I'm going to bed now. The hour has finally arrived. There is no energy left to think of words that describe this moment. It's after mid-night. I probably won't get much sleep. My heart is too full and my emotions push at the flood gates. Gratitude pours through me. It is like a rushing tide and I am sure it will keep me restless through the night. So I close now with anticipation for the beautiful day to come and with one last simple pounding thought. "My Heavenly Father loves me. And He has blessed me beyond belief."